He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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