onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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