Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
