i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize