you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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