the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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