You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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