No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
