This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
