Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
