I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
