Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize