I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
