I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize