remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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