dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
