I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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