Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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