the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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