apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
