Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
