I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
