Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
