Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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