From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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