watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
