Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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