No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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