so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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