I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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