I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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