whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
