i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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