Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
