I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
