he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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