And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
