i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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