i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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