which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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