I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
