HIV tests are more positive than that guy
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
