im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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