Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
