what day is it and did you see me today?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Send help, water and tortillas.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
