I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
