i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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