is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
