This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
