Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
