also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
