we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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