The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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