i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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